This month we are looking at the messy messes of relationship. And oh, this is a hard one – feeling like “they did it to me.” Not just in relationships but everywhere.
And it comes down to the same thing — someone taught us about blame and shame. They were probably responding to things we did. It was probably some well-meaning person trying to make us a better person. But considering our brain capacity as a child at the time we learned it, we took it as normal behavior. And we saw others around us using it on us. So we began to do it in return. It worked on us, and then it worked on those we used it on.
The truth is that when we blame others, we become the victim. And when we are a victim, we are stuck. In that frame of mind, we will never be able to change our experience in that situation.
Are You Saying, “What do you mean? They really did it to me.”?
This is where you have the opportunity to look at the energy of your life. Imagine for a moment that the energy you live in and emit out in the world actually affects what you manifest. That means the average vibe of your thoughts and beliefs is what you attract into your life.
That is not blaming yourself. It is a way that you can take charge of the results in your life. Doesn’t that sound freeing? Think of a grumpy person, unhappy all the time. What do you think and feel when you see them? You are probably not as likely to engage in conversation with them as you would someone who seems to be in a better mood.
Step Back and Take a Longer View
If you can take a step back and ask yourself how you can I find your responsibility in the circumstance, you have the opportunity to change your actions and responses based on what you want to experience instead of giving away your power by blaming others.
An example is when I was in my 20s and living in Seattle, a friend recommended me for a job in a sports bar. Those of you that know me will laugh. I am not your mainstream kind of person. I got all dressed up and went for the interview. I didn’t get a call back. My friend told me that they told him they just couldn’t get past the magenta lipstick I wore. I was livid. I wanted to find a ruling that said businesses couldn’t not hire because of race, age or color of lipstick. But it wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I changed the direction places I looked for work. And I got a job creating t-shirt designs that ended up selling in Nordstroms.
How can you pause and ask yourself, regardless of whose fault it is, “What can I do in this situation that is empowering for me?”